“As Moses found out on the peaks of Mount Sinai, the closer he journeyed to God, the more he was enveloped in mist and “unknowing.” As Aaron discovered at the foot of Mount Sinai, the farther people journeyed from God, the more they became certain what God looks like and cast the golden calf.”

Lately I feel heart-sick over the emails I receive, almost daily, that focus on ‘destiny’, ‘transferring the wealth of the wicked over to the righteous’, ‘revival’ and Christian numerology that reveals an immense boredom with Jesus. He, even more than the elusive Donna to whom I am married, proves to be bigger on the inside than on the out, simple and complex.

I love the picture above. I don’t know if Van Gogh would be relieved or a little disappointed to discover that Starry Night was in that mid-range between easy and difficult.

In the context of the Jesus story it’s especially frustrating as it plays such a key part and yet, as an English word, it fails miserably to convey the real denotation and connotation of the original story-tellers. (I’m not implying that the Jesus story is FICTION by my use of the word “story”.) So how do we now, in an age and culture that knows not sin, convey the message, tell the story, in words and images that reveal the reality behind the expression?

At the moment I’m on a “staycation” from my regular gig as a pastor of a local church. The funny thing is, I’d really like to be there tomorrow with all my friends. I’m not glad to be away or finding it refreshing to not have to be there on Sunday. How do you take a holiday from friends? I haven’t always felt this way about church but I honestly do feel this way about the community I’m a part of today. So I find myself sorting out what to think and feel about my situation.

I hear from friends about horrible things they’re going through in local churches across North Am: pastors beating people up, people treating the pastor like hired help – or slave labour. I’ve experienced firsthand what it’s like to be part of the dysfunctional family of God both for pay and for free. I’ve been through some pretty ugly scenarios and was often the last person to clue in to how bad it really was while my good wife was whispering to me, “you do understand what’s happening here don’t you?” Eventually I did, sometimes I’ve even got it right off the start.

I know people who have been mentally and emotionally beaten senseless by people who are still well know, still wildly “successful” and sought after in “ministry”. I also know guys who’ve been through the meat grinder called “church” and have crawled, bleeding, away from ministry who are doing their best to hide (Elijah-style) ‘cause they just can’t take one more hurt. I’ve seen power plays, politics and listened to hate-filled rants. I’ve been accused of being a danger to the youth of the entire province I live in because of what I believe and teach about Jesus. I’ve had good church friends and colleagues question whether I’m really following Jesus because I said I’d have voted for Obama and I wouldn’t pass out a paper to our church that warned against the “homosexual agenda” that wanted nothing less than to steal our children from us.

Yet here I am. Even when we go on holidays to other places I love to gather with other believers in mega-churches and in living rooms. Gathering doesn’t wear me out or get me down or make me looking for a break. I don’t go to our church service and think, “I’ll be glad when this is over.” So I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing tomorrow morning – go and gather or stay home? I’ll stay away from my friends tomorrow, partly because I wonder if they don’t need a nice break from me, but should I go or should I stay?

Last week I tried to slip in to worship at a church where a friend of mine pastors. As I walked in I saw good friends from my own community – which was hilarious and made me smile. Not as hilarious was the end of the singing when a person behind me leaned forward to get a look at my profile and said, “I thought that was you!” They proceeded to ask me what I was doing there and subtly questioned me to see if it was holidays, “you’re not with the rest of your family?” “They’re here,” I should’ve said, “do you mean you can’t see them?” And then proceeded to have a conversation that no one else could hear with my wife. Instead I danced around and tried to change the subject from me to them. Still we played 20 questions to determine if I’d left my family, had a nervous breakdown, admitted moral failure and resigned, etc.

But here I am, trying to figure out what I’m doing tomorrow morning because I really am in love with this crazy thing called the Church. If I sleep in tomorrow I won’t feel guilty, I won’t go tomorrow night to “catch up” and I won’t even be tempted to confess it as sin. I regularly tell our community, much to my friend Daniel’s chagrin, that staying home might be the most spiritual thing they do on Sunday – or going out for breakfast with friends. It’s not guilt, it’s desire that fuels my thoughts tonight.

Anna
I’ll get a job, I’ll find a place.
Jenna
You really think you can start over?
Anna
You mean “at my age”?
Jenna
Yes.
Anna
I’m still breathing for God’s sake.
Jenna
It was a long time ago. Daddy will understand.
Anna
You’re saying it’s too late for me. I should just settle for what I can have?
Jenna
You’ve been together since college!
Anna
And I’ve been miserable most of that time!
Jenna
I don’t think that’s true.
Anna
I just didn’t let you see it.
Jenna
Trust me, you’re not good at hiding your emotions. I saw exactly when you started to be miserable, and it hasn’t been most of your life.
Anna
(sarcastically)
You’re twenty nine years old but you know everything and I haven’t got a clue!
Jenna
It started three years ago. I think you had this affair and then afterward you convinced yourself that you did it because you were miserable.
Anna
So I created all this; it was just in my mind?
Jenna
Daddy adores you! You treat him like shit!
Anna
Adores me? He won’t even look at me!
Jenna
You know what? You make this difficult because you want it that way! Men are easy – -
Anna
- – you’ve been with Michael three years!
Jenna
–and it took less than half an hour of that time to figure him out. You know exactly what Daddy wants and needs, you know how to make him happy and how to make him miserable – - every woman does! If you’re bored, fine – but that’s your fault, not his.

You need to know that the emotional impact of this scene is actually felt as the next scene unfolds. The very next scene is another conversation and this next one involves Michael, the father of Jenna’s baby – who she had all figured out in half an hour – and a young, 18 year old girl that Michael has met and is arranging to take out that night for a secret “date”. Jenna’s “figured out” world is about to get rocked.

Hard.

I’m telling you about that story because I’ve seen it played out in real life.

At least the first conversation.

More than once.

I’ve listened as friends and family have tried to “talk some sense” into the party that appears to be the cause of the crumble. I’ve heard kids who know, they KNOW how it really is! They may have even been told by the other person how it REALLY is. I’ve heard the same from friends, family and “church family” – and because of the role I’ve sometimes played I know secrets they don’t know. I’m not saying that I know how it really is – far from it – but I am saying that sometimes I know how it really ISN’T. Those limited experiences have led me to be quick to listen but very slow to speak when it comes down to the who’s and why’s when a marriage is crumbling.

Long ago I’ve been “Jenna”. I’ve sat and explained to people how simple their situation is. “Just work it out.” “The Bible says that divorce is a sin. You love Jesus don’t you? Well then, Jesus doesn’t want you to get a divorce.”

Simple.

Only in real life, not so much.

People, despite the advertisements, aren’t really all that simple. I mean, it’s fun work making one and almost any two people can do it, but understanding them, figuring them out, really knowing them, much, much harder. Madeleine L’Engle said, “…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…” .

Our tendency is to relate to people based on how they interact with us. I’ve observed that for some reason we seem to think our lives are like a movie where people are these supporting characters in our story. They come in and go out and essentially have no independent life outside of our experience of them. If they’re depressed, we’d know it. If they’re unhappy, we’d know. If they were fighting with each other we’d have picked up on that, there would have been a scene at some point that would’ve introduced that element into the plot. But, as poets and songwriters have always observed, it’s painfully easy to feel all alone in a crowd. For all we know someone, a parent or a child, a brother or sister, it’s impossible to know exactly what really goes on behind their bedroom door or inside their heart and mind.

During my Bible College days a group of us were philosophizing and theologizing in our dorm room. The talk turned to sex and marriage. The “if a tree falls in the woods” question we were discussing: if your wife couldn’t have sex, would that be grounds for divorce? In other words, would God give you a free pass? On my turn I expounded the biblical text and then used the example of a well known woman who did ministry work as a paraplegic. “If something happened to my wife after we were married that made it impossible to have sex I wouldn’t even consider ending our relationship!” Was I spiritual or what?

One of the guys, a good friend, had been quiet as we talked this one over. As the glory of the Lord shone around me as I finished my statement he stood, pointed his finger in my face, trembling, as he said through clenched teeth, “You have NO idea WHAT you are talking about!” He walked out of the room. Later I found out that his parent’s marriage had broken up over some sexual dysfunction in their relationship. And he was right, I had no idea what I was talking about. Rarely, if ever, can someone say they understand all the issues that have led to a marriage crumbling. We know in part, we might even prophesy in part, but complete knowing belongs exclusively to God. That’s why he reserves the judgment seat for himself alone. And for that, I’m incredibly relieved.

To be continued…

I heard a story once about Amelia Earhart. According to the storyteller, Earhart and her husband would, on their anniversary, have a frank discussion about the state of their marriage. It was an annual opportunity to decide of each was going to “re-up” for another year by talking through how things were really going.

The idea of “re-upping” doesn’t fly in a small group of evangelical Christians. I know this one. “Marriage is for life.” “God hates divorce.” And I’m pretty sure he hates a crap marriage as well. I’m pretty sure that marriage, like “leader” was intended by God to describe how we live, not a title or social contract. My point isn’t really about marriage though, it’s about conversation, communication and dialogue. We aren’t allowed to talk about some of these things – at least with some people – even most people. There are certain topics for each of us, I imagine, that our personal baggage makes taboo.

We’re in a culture that’s hot for answers and has no patience for wrestling with each other or with God over the issues of life. Unless we’re forced to.

Reading through the story of Jesus in the New Testament you find lots of stories, lots of questions, lots of metaphor and simile, but very few straight answers. That’s, apparently, what preachers are for. We can explain it to you and earn our keep. What I can’t get my head around is the idea that the creator of the ears, eyes, mouth and brain could be so damn bad at communication. If he’s the God who knows the future why didn’t he spell things out for us much more clearly than he did?

Unless, of course, his intention wasn’t to be the Answer God.

What if Jesus’ goal not only then but now was to appeal to those who have ears to hear – to engage with those who are desperate (or at least willing) to engage? And what if his idea for us is to be people who wrestle together for answers, like what to do about the new Gentile converts, who have to rely on what seems right to us and to the Holy Spirit?

Some of us aren’t interested. For some of us, to ask one question brings everything in to question and if we’re not SURE about one thing, how can we be sure about ANYTHING? I have to acknowledge this is the reality that a lot of us live within our relationship or pursuit of God or the gods. Some of us though, some of us aren’t there. Some of us are sceptical, not because of the questions but because of the unasked questions. Some of us feel like we’re playing marbles with diamonds and we’re settling for a hollow imitation instead of the real thing.

If you can’t say that, whatever your ‘that’ is, where do we go to scratch the itch we feel?

…to be continued

The creative stuff has all been going other places lately. I still love to write but most of my writing is going into talks and a workshop I’m doing at the moment. I’ve been talking about “Making Sense of the Bible” and it’s taken a lot of time for research, development, writing and prepping the visuals. It’s been good but challenging as I’m trying to suggest that the Bible is full of things we didn’t know and actually absent of things we’re sure must be there.

My first week of my first semester of Bible College I went page by page through the Bible looking for things that I KNEW were there. Only they weren’t. Oddly enough, I’ve spent the last 20 years unlearning things I was taught at Bible College were in the Bible but turns out, not so much.